Hi! PropaneLV here again. My favorite girl I don’t have sex with (@veezyfmaybe) didn’t proof read this article, so it may be a little more rappery than usual. That being said, I’ve spent a tremendous amount of time around rappers of all shapes and sizes. From the backpackers that just want to spray paint and play video games to the white boys that wear grills. I know rappers. I hope this article doesn’t offend anyone, but if it does that probably means you’re a local rapper, whose opinion means nothing to society to begin with. Cheers.
Hit the jump.
1. They just don’t get it – I know that’s a pretty general statement, but hey. Some people will never show up to work on time, brush their teeth or even wash their hands after they potty. Some people are 16 forever, and I try to date all of them. Either way if you can’t handle basic life situations your chances of becoming the next super star white rapper are pretty slim. (I joke).
2. Gotta keep it real – I would never sign a deal, I want to make “real” music. F*ck that bro! You can find talented backpackers in every major city. Sleeping on couches, not getting laid, and making high quality lyrical music. I have respect for those that live the “true” hip hop lifestyle, but don’t hate on the next man for getting paid off of music. I personally think Big L said it best when he proudly proclaimed “I’m getting’ figgas while you broke n*ggas keepin’ it real”. Swag.
3. They Suck – ya.
4. Working on their classic – I can’t tell you how many good rappers I know that are working on their 4th classic album no one will ever hear. No one cares how good you are at rapping if they don’t know or like you, outside of Mr. West of course. If you have no buzz you have no fans, if you have no fans you have no groupies, if you have no groupies you’re not a rapper I want to listen to. Build a solid fan base, then lock yourself in the studio and make the transcending, transgender, revolutionary double album hip hop fans have been dying to hear.
5. They go to jail – Rappers do rapper things. Going to jail 5 years ago was the thing to do in the world of hip hop. The problem is, if you’re local chances are only a friend or two are going to press up FREE Young (Insert rappers name here) shirts. You might get a Facebook status or two, but is that really worth being lost in a land of swinging meat and no va jay? Don’t put your mothers through it for a silly rep no one will care about when you’re 30 and unemployed.
6. Never find a manager – If you can’t find someone who believes in you please see Reason 3. In my honest opinion the rapper needs the manager more than the manager needs the rapper. Finding someone who will keep you busy is white tee to the knees huge, but please avoid managers that claim to be CEO’s or anything like it this…
7. They fall in love – P*ssy is power. Dudes catch feelings, and how many girls do you know that want to marry a rapper? Exactly, having yourself a serious girlfriend is one of the most important steps you can take to becoming an average Joe 9 to 5 kind of guy. There is nothing wrong with that but I thought we were trying to be multi million dollar platinum rappers here.
8. They have a baby – You can’t tell me having a child isn’t one of the worst natural disasters known to man. You know how many lives baby mamas have taken in 2011 alone? A whole bunch, especially if you’re a future rap super start that doesn’t need to wear condoms. The pull out method isn’t 100 percent, just ask my Dad.
9. Women don’t like them – Yo! If girls don’t like you, your only option is joining shady records. Good luck.
10. They don’t have the internet – Man, bro, I can’t tell you how many good rappers don’t get this. Check it, I was getting my hair cut at Reggy’s the other day when the guy making my line up look flawless told me he rapped. I did the first white rapper thing I know to do and asked him his twitter name (obviously). He responded with “uh, I’m not on the internet right now”. F*ck man, you think Nas would have made it in 2011 without the Internet? Hell to the f*ck naw. You think Russell Simmons is going to come busting through that door record deal in hand begging for your Handcock? There is no reason on earth for you to be a rapper and not have the Internet. It’s easy to steal and damn near at every café and coffee shop in America. Plus, it’s a great way to meet, lie, and cheat on women. The Internet will do nothing but help your career please, for your mother’s sake use the tools the Apple gods gave us.
In closing I would like to state that I am in fact a local rapper. That being said I am trying to figure which combination of these things I truly am. I get it, I have the net and everything else in place. So its either a matter of time or that ever so dreaded reason number 3…..
Here are 3 of my favorite local rapper moments coming to an open mic near you.- LV Out